I puked a lego.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
