he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
