Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
