All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
