You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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