Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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