yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize