I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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