Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
