I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
