everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
