Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
