The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
