I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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