i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize