the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
