I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
