I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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