girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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