I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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