It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
