About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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