piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
