what day is it and did you see me today?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
