Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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