im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
