im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you guys were way drunker than both of me
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
a search helicopter?!
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
