You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dignity is for republicans.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
