roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize