Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
