I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize