We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
be right there i have to get my cape
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
