Non-Jews are for practice
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
