Moan for me like Helen Keller
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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