Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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