If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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