The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
What changed your mind?
Being sober
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Everyone says I win the strip club
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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