I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
