I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
