put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
