The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
