Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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