Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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