so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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