Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize