I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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