I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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