Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
