the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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