dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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