Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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