The maid of honor just puked.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
