I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
