I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
