The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I need moral support for this bender
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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