I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
