TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
