WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
